


Can Heather Find a Job That Won't Interfere with Her Tan?

by scioscribe



Category: Community
Genre: Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-29
Updated: 2012-10-29
Packaged: 2017-11-17 08:15:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/549474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scioscribe/pseuds/scioscribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Graduation day should ideally include two hook-ups, a thrown punch, a massive secret, and a proposal, but apparently they’re all going to have to settle for Britta’s eyebrow piercing and the revelation that Jeff’s a Brony.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can Heather Find a Job That Won't Interfere with Her Tan?

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Vitamin C's "Graduation," which is also quoted (mostly ironically) inside. Also, Pierce is Pierce.

“In the graduation episode of _Boy Meets World_ ,” Abed said, “Topanga had to choose between going to Yale and staying with Cory. She chose to stay, but she also proposed.”

“I see where you’re going with this,” Troy said. “You want us to get married.”

“Maybe later. I’m just saying that our graduation day has been sadly lacking in traditional highlights. I was expecting at least two surprise hook-ups.”

“You can’t expect a surprise,” Annie said. She swirled the pineapple chunk on the pink plastic sword around and around in her drink, watching it bump into the ice, her expression utterly intent. “If you did, it wouldn’t be a surprise.”

“Taking philosophy for our last shared class was a mistake,” Troy said. “Or was it?”

“Anyway, she’s right,” Abed said. Abed was the only who hadn’t been drinking: it was his job to observe. “Too much speculation is the Schrodinger’s cat of both television and life. I tried to open the box, killed the cat. Now all we have is Britta’s eyebrow piercing.”

“Hey!” Britta said. “I wanted to make a statement.”

“Yeah,” Jeff said. “It’s like her cutie mark. She’s destined to inflict needless pain on herself for the sake of being different when her favorite ice cream flavor is actually vanilla and she still watches _CSI_.”

“Okay,” Annie said, “Jeff’s a Brony.”

Pierce bolted upright, eyes wide: “Yes! I always suspected!”

“Not what you’re thinking,” Troy said, as Pierce started fumbling for his speech. He gathered up his best professorial voice and said, “A ‘Brony’ is an adult male fan of the hit television show _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_. Generally Bronies support the show for its positive morals, surprisingly subtle writing, and well-crafted characters. Its uplifting themes of friendship and self-acceptance have made it possible with all age groups.”

“Also, somewhere in the black cavern of Jeff’s heart is an eight year-old who didn’t get the pony he wanted for Christmas,” Britta said.

“Out of curiosity,” Jeff said, “is there a timeline on how long this is going to go on?”

“That depends,” Pierce said, “is there a timeline on your gayness?”

There was a pause.

“Okay,” Shirley said. “That pretty much killed it. I watch the show, too.”

“Yeah,” Britta said sheepishly.

Everybody but Pierce, as it turned out. Abed brought out his impressive collection of ponies and gave one to everyone, and they restaged their graduation by tripping their toys across the stage of the coffee table. Intermittently, someone would make one of their ponies mount one of the others, until Pierce ruined that for everyone, too, and they all just subsided into a quiet and puppy-ish heap, ponies abandoned in a rainbow-colored heap with all their highball glasses and beer bottles. Troy idly stroked a bright pink tail.

“What else was on your list for today?” Jeff asked Abed.

“Two hook-ups, a thrown punch, a massive secret, and a proposal.”

“Jeff’s a secret Brony.”

“Troy proposed. Sort of, anyway.”

Shirley socked Abed lightly in the arm. “Punch,” she said, and then burst out laughing. Abed didn’t necessarily think that drunk Shirley was more fun than sober Shirley, but she did laugh more.

“That still leaves the hook-ups.”

“Okay,” Jeff said, “valiantly, and for the good of the group, I hereby volunteer myself for sex.”

After some amount of consideration of this, they all voted to throw paper balls at Jeff’s head. He batted them away and then laid down on the floor, his head in Britta’s lap. Troy balanced a pony on his stomach and Annie gave him her pineapple chunk as a consolation prize for suddenly being used as a table.

“So no surprise hook-ups, then,” Abed said. “Then all that’s left is for someone to sing that song by Vitamin C.”

“Oh no,” Shirley said. “That always makes me cry.”

“That’s because it’s sugary enough to induce diabetes, and it’s been played to death at graduations and in graduation episodes since it first came out. ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ is less tired. But I don’t make the rules, Shirley, I just try to live by them.”

“I like it,” Troy said shyly. “It says they’re going to be best friends forever.”

“It’s sexist,” Britta said. “Bobby’s the one that’s brainy, the one who’s going to be a stockbroker, and Heather’s the one who doesn’t want a job that’s going to get in the way of being a perfect tanned Barbie doll for male consumption, and the female singer makes fun of her. Woman against woman.”

“Except in our group, Heather’s clearly Jeff,” Abed said. “He tans.”

“And proudly. I haven’t noticed any of you objecting to my perfect shades of bronze.”

“This is serious,” Abed said, checking his watch. “We only have three minutes left before it’s no longer graduation day, and if we don’t establish right now that we’re friends forever by singing an outdated graduation novelty song, we’re taking a risk. Anything could happen.”

“Abed,” Annie said, “we really _will_ be best friends forever. Just because we’re not at Greendale anymore doesn’t mean anything’s real going to change. I’ll be working at the hospital with Britta, Jeff’s going to a law firm right here in town, Shirley and Pierce still have the sandwich business, you said filmmakers can work from anywhere, and Troy’s so famous people bring their air conditioners to him instead of the other way around. We’re going to be fine.”

“Yeah,” Britta said. “Totally.”

“I suppose it’s bad to rely on superstitious connections to pop music,” Shirley said slowly. “I mean, we have to grow up sometime.”

“I don’t even know what song it is we’re talking about, anyway,” Pierce said.

Jeff hoisted himself up. “Guys. It’s _graduation day_.”

“That’s another one,” Abed said. “We should have fought the mayor as he turned into a giant snake.”

“I’m saying,” Jeff said, “we can grow up tomorrow. But someone else is going to have to start singing, because I’ve already admitting tonight to watching _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_ , so someone else is going to have to take the hit for knowing all the words to Vitamin C’s ‘Graduation.’”

Troy stood up like a superhero and belted: “SO WE TALKED ALL NIGHT ABOUT THE REST OF OUR LIVES, WHERE WE’RE GOING TO BE WHEN WE TURN TWENTY-FIVE!”

“My _ears_ ,” Britta said.

“Forget about your ears,” Troy said, breaking off. “My _emotions_. Take one for the team, Britta!”

So, with less than two minutes left before midnight on their graduation day, they all speed-sang Vitamin C’s “Graduation” and then collapsed onto each other.

“And— _time_ ,” Abed said.


End file.
